WHAT WE TELL OURSELVES MATTERS
“Words people say not only have a shelf life, but have the ability to shape life.”
There is a lot of power in the words we use, and what we tell ourselves.
I was reminded of that recently during a conversation with a good friend. She told me that when she experienced a particularly heart-wrenching breakup the word that kept floating around in her mind was ‘dirty’.So she felt dirty. She started to believe that she was dirty and so therefore made decisions based on the fact that she didn’t feel clean – which then, of course, led her to feel even more soiled.
One day, tired of feeling grimy, she pictured that she was encased in a glass dome. A glass dome with a filmy dust all over it.
Dirty.
She pictured herself taking our a rag and some cleaning supplies and washing the dome. Slowly. Methodically. She practiced this every morning. Cleaning the dome a little bit at a time. One day, a few months later, the dome was clean. She pictured that the dome was sparkling and so clean that she wasn’t sure if it was even there. She imagined walking through that dome and out into the world. And every time she felt dirty after that, she would tell herself, “No. I cleaned this already. There’s nothing left to do here.”
I love that story. Our minds are so powerful that sometimes we have to conquer them. We have to get inside our own imaginations and play out the scenarios in a way that’s healthy.
I listened to her tell her story about the power of words. The word that came to my mind when I would think of myself and my history with relationships is ‘scarred’. It is a word that invokes images of something ugly and permanent. In my mind, I picture a large scar starting to the left of my breastbone and traveling down my sternum, cutting across to the left. A big scar around my heart. A scar that’s raised, and bumpy and visible to anyone who I let into that intimate space.
So now, every morning when I wake up, I picture my scar. I picture that keloid, fibrous tissue and I picture myself putting a lotion comprised of shea butter, coconut oil and aloe over it. And I massage the scar. I firmly press my fingers into the lumps and bums, thus stimulating that fibrous tissue to dissipate. I picture the cells of my body to healing fully. Then I picture taking out a laser and zapping the scar and flattening the bumps. High energy light pulsating through my body and reducing the damage. Erasing the redness.
I can’t make the scar go away completely. But I can make it less raised. Less red and angry. It will always be there but it can be subtle. Maybe something you wouldn’t notice unless I pointed it out. Every day I will do this until the scar doesn’t embarrass me anymore. Until it doesn’t define who I am.
And that’s what matters. I can’t fix all my problems or my crappy relationship history by just “thinking positively.” But I can take charge of my thoughts and not allow them to keep me captive. When I allow myself to use language like “scarred” it subconsciously is allowing negative thoughts to have control. By changing the narrative in my own story – not ignoring it and hoping it will go away – but by embracing it and working through it, I honestly do feel better. I don’t feel as “scarred.”
So what are you telling yourself? What words are you allowing to creep their way into your life without your permission? The words we allow into our vocabulary and the words that we use to describe ourselves matter. Ask yourself, what word describes your struggles? Are you feeling worthless? Dumb? Ashamed? Dirty? Scarred? Bitter? Alone?
Picture whatever negative word or image that you are telling yourself. Now I want you to picture the antithesis of that word. For example, if you’re feeling alone or lonely you might tell yourself, “I’m never going to find anyone and I’m all alone out here.” Maybe you picture yourself all alone on an island with no one in sight?
Taking control of our thoughts and our language means instead of choosing to stay alone on that island; picture yourself building a raft. Picture yourself getting in that raft and sailing away from the island. As you do this tell yourself that you are strong and resilient and resourceful. Change your story! You are not stranded on an island, you are working towards getting off that island every day. The mental pictures that we paint for ourselves shape our days and our thoughts. Take back your control.
I’d like to end this post by saying that this is not a catch-all solution. I’m not trying to minimize anything that you’ve gone through by simply saying “oh just change your thoughts!” True traumatic events or deep cuts often need the help of a mental health professional and take a long time to heal. But there is power in changing the words that you tell yourself. There is power in being able to control your inner monologue. Start taking charge today! Life’s too short to waste brain power on poisonous thoughts. Our past definitely affects us but does not have to define us.
Our past definitely affects us but it does not have to define us.