SAD THINGS
“I don’t know where you are these days, what’s broken down and what’s beautiful in your life this season. I don’t know if this is a season of sweetness or one of sadness. But I’ve learned that neither last forever.”
I’m going to make a bold statement:
Our culture has a fundamental problem with allowing ourselves to feel negative emotions.
TV shows, movies, and music all portray the message that if you’re feeling heartbroken, wronged, or angry, then you should do everything you can to not feel that way. You should get drunk! You should break things, or scratch someone’s car or sleep with a bunch of random people. Whatever will make you feel better.
I’ve subscribed to some of those ideas in the past. When I went through my divorce, I definitely made-out with some random people, occasionally drank too much to make myself feel numb. I spent money I didn’t have because I felt sad and buying something felt good. But you know what? At the end of the day, I hurt people, I had more hang-overs than I should have, and I had a pile of debt that I had to dig myself out of. In short, all those things that culture tells us we should do – didn’t work.
But I unfortunately am one of those people who has to learn things the hard way. The decision I made at that time ultimately made it harder for me to move on and find contentment.
Side note: At the risk of sounding completely out of control, please know that I wasn’t a total train wreck during this time – you can read my Year of Yes post on all the good things that happened shortly after this time too.
I say all of this as someone who has now been through one divorce and one failed engagement – both because the other person was unfaithful. Yikes. It’s hard to even write that because in doing so, it makes me feel like a failure. Like I can’t figure out how to find love with someone who isn’t going to hurt or manipulate me. As someone who’s had so much success in other areas, sometimes I find myself thinking, you should be smart enough to figure this ‘love thing’ out.
Having been through these traumatic life events, I’ve tried to heal myself in both the right ways and the wrong ways. And the biggest take away that I can say after all that trauma is….
Sad things will always be sad. And sometimes we have to be O.K.with that.
That statement sounds simple, but when it was first said to me it felt ground-breaking. The statement “Sad things will always be sad,” allows me not to minimize.
So if you need permission, let me just say: It’s ok to be sad for more than just a day, or a week, a few months, or even years over something traumatic or heartbreaking. Why are we in such a hurry to push it away? (I know why, actually: it’s because it sucks to feel sad.) But we also can’t ever really let ourselves heal if we don’t process these things in a healthy way.
Let me say this again: Sad things will always be sad. Time helps it not hurt as acutely, but it will always be there.
There will be times in your life when you will be able to depend on friends and family to help you through those times of sadness. That’s a key part of being able to heal and move on. But also, there will be times when no one is available to talk or hang out. You will truly feel alone. And you know what? That’s O.K. too. Don’t get me wrong, at the time it truly sucks and brings a sense of enveloping isolation. I’m not diminishing that. I’ve been there. But it doesn’t last forever.If you’re at a point in your life where you normally have a good support system, but for some reason no one is available to be there for you, then take time to pray and just be with yourself. It’s O.K. to be sad. It’s an emotion that comes with life. If we don’t know what real sadness is, then it’s also hard to know what true joy feels like. Remember that this is a season of your life. It doesn’t last forever.
During times of isolation, this is when I pray. I have a conversation with God; one where I tell Him all my fears and worries but also where I try to be silent and listen. I’m not sure what your spiritual beliefs are, or if you even have them, but what I can tell you from my personal experience is that there is power in speaking your fears out loud and asking for help from God.
For some people it’s meditation, your gut instincts, or simply a Higher Power. For me, it’s God. It might sound crazy to some people that the God of the universe would care about my problems, but it helps me to believe that He does. And I see evidence of His care and love by the life that I live, regardless of my love life. Praying helps me to put things in perspective and to voice all of the deep fears that I am really worried about.
By this point you may be thinking, wow this is a really big bummer of a post.
Sometimes my life is best described through a South Park episode.
I agree with you. This is a big bummer of a post. But I also feel that accepting this and learning this has helped me be a healthier human. (And I hope reading this might help you too.)
We can’t expect to be happy all the time. It’s not realistic. Most of us can’t even expect to be happy for a week at a time. I think the better question to ask yourself is, what is the percentage of happiness to unhappiness? Are you happy Tuesday through Saturday but Sunday and Mondays are rough? Well, that’s still more happy than not.
My final thought is that if you are struggling with depression, or you are consistently feeling down, anxious and sad, please get professional help. Your friends and family are not professionals and they can’t always solve things. There is no shame in getting help – I’ve done it. If you had hypertension or diabetes, would you try to have your friends and family heal it? No, you would seek professional help and it’s the same with mental health. Take care of yourself.
These last few months I’ve taken intentional time to work, write and spend time with loved ones, and it has been sweet. It has been full of happy memories and personal triumphs. It also hasn’t been completely free of all sadness and that’s O.K.. Accepting that some days are going to feel rougher than others is an important part of getting healthy and learning to feel content no matter the circumstance.
Accepting that life has moments of sadness and not trying to push them away also can help me fully appreciate joy and beauty around me.