A FEW GOOD MEN
“The truth? You can’t handle the truth!”
As I reflect on 2018 and what I’ve learned from it, one of the biggest take-aways is that there are good men out there. As I ended 2017, I felt bitter and worn down and frankly tired of people telling me “how strong I was” for ending my engagement. I felt like there probably weren’t any good guys out there, and I wasn’t entirely sure how I would trust again.
I started dating in early 2018, not because I was ready, but because I was curious what was out there. So I joined Tinder and started swiping.
For those of you who are not familiar with dating apps, all of them are slightly different both in reputation and in use. Tinder is known as the “hook up” app and is largely visual – meaning you are shown a photo of someone and you can swipe right to say “I like you” or left to say “no thanks.”
I chose Tinder, not because I was looking to hook up with anyone, but because I felt like it was a more casual dating choice than something like Match. Plus it was free.
I was on the app for 3 months, and I dated three different people over the course of those months. I did not have any bad dates during that time, and I found that all three of the guys were kind, gentlemanly and treated me well. One of those guys was a person I ended up dating seriously for 6 months.
I remember having a conversation with one of my brothers after I had been dating the one guy for almost 5 months. This guy was great. He checked all the boxes of the things I had been looking for. I also knew that he was still healing from his previous relationship. I expressed these concerns to my brother, telling him that I was worried that this great guy, as he continued to heal and grow, might realize that I was holding him back and might want to leave me.
My brother was quiet for a long time and then he said, “Sis, I can see why you would feel that way. Your experience with men so far tells you that when you invest in them, give them your heart; they leave. I don’t think this guy would do that to you, but that’s what your past interactions have taught you. And that’s going to take some time to re-learn. All men are not bad though, Tesh. All men are not going to hurt you.”
At the time, as I listened to him, I actually found myself arguing with him silently. As soon as he said “All men are not bad,” I found myself immediately thinking “yes they are!”
I thought about that conversation over the next month as I decided whether or not to continue my relationship with my ‘great guy.’ Ultimately, I decided to let him go, not because he was going to hurt me, but because I didn’t want to hurt him by continuing the relationship while I was still healing. As I’ve written before in the Trusting Your Gut blog post, although it was a difficult decision, I finally felt like I was listening to myself, and in doing so, giving myself time to heal.
And that’s what these last months have been about. I started a blog, and in doing so, really got to think and process through a lot of these thoughts. This time of reflection has taught me that there are good men out there. As I have started to tentatively dip my toes back into the dating pool throughout the year, I have been impressed with the quality of people that I’ve met. Now, in this moment, I am more open to meeting people because I’ve allowed myself time and space to heal. I find myself more able to give a guy the benefit of the doubt. If I go on a date or two with someone and it doesn’t pan out, I don’t find myself wondering what I did wrong, or what this guy is trying to get from me. I find myself grateful to have met someone who treated me well and who was honest with me about where they are and what they’re looking for.
That’s been my experience throughout this year. I’ve gone on a few dates with some real gem humans… for the most part. It may not have worked out for us, but I’m grateful to have met them. And I’ve been able to end things on a good note. Some have gone on to become friends, and while others haven’t; I still feel like we ended things amicably.
Things I’ve learned from this year of dating are as follows:
Be honest. Let people know what you’re looking for, what your morals are and who you are. Right now, I’m feeling pretty casual and relaxed about dating, but I’m dating “casually” with the intention to meet someone to marry and start a family. We may or may not talk about kids and marriage during the first date, but it’s also not a topic I shy away from either. My experiences in dating have taught me that guys appreciate honesty because it allows them to decide if they are on board.
Ask questions. You can’t get to know someone if you’re not asking them a lot of questions. Ask about their hopes and dreams, ask them what’s the craziest thing they’ve ever done? (will tell you a lot about them), ask about their friends (will also tell you a lot about a person), ask about their hopes and dreams.
Enjoy it. Meeting new people is fun. Getting dressed up to meet someone can be exciting! Go do something you’ve never done, eat at a place you’ve never eaten, and get to know someone new. Be curious, and go in with an open mind. You may not meet your future partner, but you may have a great time with a quality human.
I don’t know what the future holds. One of the crappy things about dating is all the uncertainty: “Should I wait to text him? Should I text him at all? Should I offer to pay for dinner?” It can feel downright exhausting. But I’ve been approaching it with a good attitude, and I have to say that right now it looks promising.
All men are not bad.
I can say that confidently now. All the ‘good ones’ are not taken either. That’s not to say that there aren’t some bad ones out there, but I feel like my inner compass is set back to True North. Because I took the time to heal and to reflect, I feel better equipped to trust myself in discerning the good ones from the bad. So when and if I meet the right one, I’ll be ready!
Some of the best men I know: My three brothers.