ON FORGIVENESS

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” 

Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. 

I’ve written about coming through grief by opening myself to new experiences (link: The Year of Yes) . I’ve written about accepting sadness as part of life and that it’s ok to feel and be sad (link: Sad Things). Now I’m writing about the final step of my journey to healing. It’s also the toughest one in a lot of ways. It’s forgiveness.

Asking for Forgiveness

Growing up, we were never allowed to just say “I’m sorry.” My mom said it was a cop out and that saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t require anything of the other person. It doesn’t allow the wronged party the ability to accept or not accept an apology. It’s a statement, not a question.

Instead, we had to ask, “Will you forgive me?”

I hated this. It’s so much easier to say “I’m sorry.” Asking “Will you forgive me?” puts the ball in someone else’s court.

Sometimes when my mom made me ask my brother’s forgiveness, they would say “No, I don’t forgive you.” And then I would run back to my mom to tattle on them for not forgiving me.

“It’s their right to forgive you, or decide not to,” my mom would tell me. “You’ve given them the power now, and they get to decide.  If they want to hang on to bitterness and anger, it’s their decision.”

Normally though, my awesome brothers would willingly forgive me. And then my mom would say, “Now you can start again. The slate is wiped clean, and you are washed white as snow.” It’s a verse from the Bible. 
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” (Isaiah 1:18) 

I like the idea of forgiveness gently falling over me like softly falling snow.

Over the course of my life I’ve had both to forgive and to practice forgiveness. And I’m telling you, it doesn’t get easier. I still cringe both inwardly and outwardly every time I have to ask someone’s forgiveness. I love being in control, and when I ask someone’s forgiveness, I am giving up that control. It feels really uncomfortable.

I also use the phrase “practice forgiveness” because like yoga, exercise or learning an instrument, forgiveness is a practice. It’s a thing that you work at, sometimes every day, to get better.

Forgiving Others 

I’ll never forget the first time I practiced forgiving the woman with whom  my husband had an affair. I was sitting by a fire, wrapped in a warm blanket at my best friend’s house and we were talking about bitterness. I felt so bitter about the affair and my divorce that it was aging me.  I was starting to get grey hairs at 28! My friend reminded me about forgiveness and letting go of this anger.

“I don’t want to let go because I want them (my separated husband and his new girlfriend) to suffer and feel as bad as I do!”

“But they don’t,” she gently reminded me. “The only person who is feeling bad in this right now is you. And you’ve got to forgive to let go.”

So we sat together in her little house and prayed. And I asked God to help me forgive this ‘other woman’. And I asked God to help me forgive him. I won’t lie and say it all got better immediately. It didn’t. But my bitterness levels dropped that night.  They dropped just a fraction, but over time they dropped considerably.  

Forgiving Once Isn’t Enough 

The other thing that we have to acknowledge about forgiveness is that some times, forgiving once just isn’t enough. When we have been broken and beaten down by the actions of others, sometimes we need to pray words of forgiveness over them. Every. Damn. Day.

After months of practicing daily forgiveness to my ex-husband and his girlfriend, I finally stopped having to do it every day. I kind of forgot about them for days at a time. And then, a year after my divorce I got an email. From the other woman. The woman who had caused me so much pain.

This woman sent me an email. All it said was, “Tesha, I’m really sorry for everything you went through last year.”

I checked her instagram – something I hadn’t done in months and saw that she had wiped all pictures of her and my ex off. He must have done something to her that caused her to realize that maybe I wasn’t the bad person he had painted me to be. 

This email made me furious. “Tesha I’m sorry for everything you went through last year?” Did she mean, “Sorry that I started having an affair with your husband and started posting photos of us kissing on Instagram before you and him even started divorce proceedings?” Is that what you mean by “Sorry for everything you went through?” I was livid. What I wanted was for her to ask my forgiveness. And then I wanted to not give it to her. But she didn’t ask my forgiveness, she didn’t even really take any responsibility for the role she played in my heartbreak. It felt more like a “Let’s commiserate on what a jerk our now-mutual-ex is.”

I stared at the email while hate and anger and sorrow all washed over me.

And then I remembered how nice it had been over the last few months to not be tormented by her Instagram posts (because I wasn’t checking them) and how practicing forgiveness of her had helped me move on and get healthier.

I stared at my computer screen. And then I closed my eyes. And I started praying. Asking God to help me forgive her again. Then I deleted the email. I didn’t want to commiserate with her. But I also didn’t want her to have any power over me anymore.

Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean restoration of the relationship. 

Sometimes it’s good to tell people to their faces or over email or phone calls that we forgive them. And other times, I believe it’s healthy to just pray it and practice it within ourselves. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that we want to be friends with this person, or let them back into our life, but that we acknowledge that people do things that are hurtful, and the best way for us to heal is to forgive.

The other side of this coin is asking for forgiveness. As I grew healthier and started to practice forgiveness, I also became more open to the idea that I needed to ask forgiveness of my ex. I did not cheat on him, but I did have moments where I was cruel and when I showed no respect towards him.  And so I did ask his forgiveness. It was hard, especially in light of all he had put me through.  He said he forgave me. I’m not really sure if he did or not, but like my mom used to tell me “it’s out of my hands now.” I had given him the power to forgive me or not.

Freedom in Forgiveness 

Since my divorce, I’ve had to work hard to forgive other men who have broken my heart. It doesn’t get any easier. And it often is a daily thing I still have to practice. When angry or bitter or mean thoughts come up, I come back with, “No, I will not go there. I will forgive them.” And I close my eyes and try to do so.

I do not have this forgiveness thing down by any means. But I know there is freedom in forgiveness and if I truly want to be free to love again and to be the fully formed person that God made me to be, then I have to practice forgiveness.

Practicing forgiveness is another way of allowing the sun to set on the past and to look towards the future.